WHILE INTREPID REPORTER RUSSELL BUCHANAN SEARCHES VAPORLAND TO COMPILE THE NEWEST INSTALLMENT OF HEADLINES YOU MAY HAVE MISSED, PLEASE ENJOY THESE FAQTOIDS FROM OUR ARCHIVES.

BELIEVE US, THE SLACK-JAWED AMAZEMENT WE FELT WHEN WE FIRST READ THEM NEVER GETS OLD! WE'LL START YOU OFF WITH...

HELL LOCATED!

(SPRING 1990) MG#3

If you haven't been watching Paul and Jan Crouch's Trinity Broadcasting Network lately you've been missing some great television. You haven't experienced Mrs. Crouch's new hairstyle, which in terms of scope and tensile strength is nothing short of miraculous. You haven't witnessed "The Power Squad," a half-dozen glandular cases-for-God who break baseball bats over their knees for Jesus while an admiring studio audience shouts exuberant praise-the-Lords. And you probably don't know that Hell has been found. Yes, in a show recently aired over TBN, it was revealed that a team of "researchers," using a "mighty long drill" and a microphone (with a mighty long cord, I would imagine) drilled many thousands of feet into the earth and were amazed to hear the faint but unmistakable sounds of human screams. Hell. They did not mention where the drilling took place but the team plans to stay there in order to gather more information.

From May, 2000. The minute the Power Squad went off the air, THIS IS WHAT HAPPENED!

(SEPT. 2000)

AP --John Hawk, of Celina, Ohio, had never been bashful about his deeply held beliefs. For years, the 43-year-old handed out self-printed religious tracts to Celina residents outlining his worldview and his somewhat disturbing beliefs on the reanimation of the dead. Though widely acknowledged as Celina's alpha-loon, Hawk was unknown to employees of Ketcham-Riley Funeral Home in nearby Rockford. When Hawk arrived at the funeral home to pay final respects to his newly dead favorite uncle, employees allowed him to view the body ­ alone. According to police, Hawk immediately whipped out a hacksaw, removed the body's head, then dashed out of the funeral home with his uncle's head tucked under his arm. Police tackled Hawk and the head a few blocks away. Had the funeral workers read Hawk's hand-outs they would have known the key to his reanimation process was the eating of the decedent's brain.

pass the salt